Something Other Than Good – An Essay on Being

“Jeff, how are you?”

“I'm good.”

I'm good. That is always my response; never great, sad, angry, happy, lonely, or any other feeling or state of being -- just good. Which, since I believe that there is opposition in all things I really can't know what good is because I never vary. The truth is that I am not always good, and in fact I usually am something other than good; so why do I just say “I'm good”? The answer of this question is many sided and not simple. It starts with a little bit of easiness and laziness, then optimism and protection is added, but boils down to a lifetime of experiences with low confidence and self image.

It's easy to say “I'm good” because I don't have to think or know how I really am, and because everyone accepts the statement and moves on. See, if I say “I'm sad and lonely” or “I'm great and excited for the day”, then follow-up questions are asked and need to be answered. Plus, since I am an optimistic guy the statement of goodness fits into the image I want, but it is really just an image and behind that image, or better stated the fortified wall of my perfectly constructed and crafted image of well being, is the real me.

The wall has been constructed by me based on feeling that there are aspects of my life I need to hide. I have had the belief that if people really knew the real me they wouldn't like me. I have often relied on what can be called other-esteem, my value is based on what others think of me. For example when I was a teenager I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. I was embarrassed because at times I had little control of my bowel movements. This lead to what I referred to as accidents when I couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough. In my mind no one would like me if they knew about my accidents, so I hide them the best I could. I not only hide the accidents, but also the fact that I had ulcerative colitis. The problem with all the hiding is it reinforced my belief that I was broken and thus lowered my self-esteem further.

With my self worth based on what others think of me, then I can't admit what could be thought of as negative feelings. Anger, sadness, confusion, or being overwhelmed would mean that I am just a mad, confused, sad person who is not in control. This belief is false, but I didn't always realize it. The truth is that I am a handsome, strong, assertive person who is worthy of love and respect, and none of that changes based on what I am feeling or doing.

So, with all that said, “Jeff, how are you?”

“I'm sad and lonely from being away from Michelle, I'm stressed and a little burnt out from working so much, I'm proud of all the work I have done and for the successful launch I just had, and am excited for my next launch, I'm overwhelmed with all the work and costs needed in our new house, and I'm happy and feel blessed for the many things I do have, in summary, I'm something other than just good!”