The case of the vanishing cockroach

While I know that many of you are sad because Jeff and I have been blog slackers, and you would rather have some real news and pictures than some story about a cockroach, you will have to be disappointed for a while longer. Today, you only get a lousy cockroach story :)

Once upon a time, there were two girls: Michelle and Emilie. They occasionally lived with a boy named Jeff, but he had been excessively elusive of late, so we won't talk about him much.

One night, Michelle and Emilie were getting ready to go to bed, so they changed in to pajamas, and went through the house one last time making sure lights were out and things were put away. Michelle found Emilie's swimming towel in a little pile on the floor, so she told Emilie to go and hang it up so that it could dry. (Emilie probably wasn't going to use it again for a while because she had turned into a lobster earlier that day, but that's a story for another time.) Emilie walked down the hallway to the room affectionately known as the shower room. You see, in Michelle's house, there is a bedroom that contains the shower. It was ultra cool, just take my word for it. Anyway, Emilie flicks on the light and then stops in the doorway staring at the floor. Michelle hears her name being called, so she heads down to where Emilie is standing.

Emilie says "Is that a cockroach?"

Michelle leans her head around the door jam, and sure enough, there is a two-inch long cockroach sitting on the bathmat in front of the shower. Instead of panicking, Michelle calmly walks out of the room to the kitchen, grabs a blue plastic cup and a can of Diet Coke. (Really, that bug is quite large and we wouldn't want it to escape because it could flip the cup!) Michelle walks back to the bedroom and hands Emilie the cup.

"You catch the roach under the cup and I'll put the Coke on top. I don't think we should try to squish it because it is gigantic."

In a panicked voice Emilie replies " Why do I have to catch it?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?"

"Just do it."

So, Michelle and Emilie, armed with their torture devices, start to inch into the room. Emilie abruptly stops and walks out saying "I've got to get some shoes." Michelle waits a moment and here comes Emilie in bright pink flip flops--platform flip flops--there is no way a stinkin' cockroach is going to touch her toes!! So, again, Emilie and Michelle begin their stealthy entrance into the room. Emilie crouches down about a foot away from the bug and begins to **slowly** stretch towards the bug with her cup. Just as she is about to triumph, that roach runs away with lightning speed. Both girls jump back shrieking! (Please believe me when I say shrieking....think of the highest pitched scream you have ever heard and then raise it 4 octaves and multiply the sound by 10....it shouldn't surprise you to know that soon only dogs will be able to understand anything coming out of their mouths!)

Emilie "Did you see, did you see, how fast that thing MOVED?"

Michelle"Yes! You missed it!"

"Oh crap, now we have to find it."

"It went in between those suitcases, I'll move the little one and you trap it, ok?"

"Ok."

"Ready?"

Emilie breaths in and out a few big breaths before replying "Yes. I'm ready."

Well, by this time both girls are totally freaked out, and Michelle decides that now that this has turned into a more complicated operation, maybe she needs some shoes too. So, dressed in her garments, she walks to the bed room and finds her sling back, platform heels and puts them on. After all, she doesn't want roach juice on her toes either!

Thus prepared, the two girls creep closer and all they can think is "that thing is huge--two inches--and then those feelers! they are disgusting...I bet those feelers are two inches long too. That makes this a four inch long bug. Why isn't that ridiculous boy Jeff here to save us!!!!!" Michelle steels herself and then yanks on the suitcase after counting to three, and Emilie dives....and misses again! Now you should know, as soon as the suitcase started to move, those two girls started to shriek again--it wasn't out of fear of course, it was their hunting shriek. It was all about scaring that stupid cockroach into submission.....or something like that.

In voices that carried a little bit of stress, a conversation began:

"Emilie! You missed again!"

"I know! Maybe I can suck it up, do you think it can get back out if I do?"

"I don't know, lets ask Jeff."

Yes, Michelle had called Jeff, even though it was 11:30, and yes, he was completely unhelpful. Some might say that it was because he was in another state, and some might say it was because he had been asleep for a few hours, and some might say its because he could only understand every third word that was shrieked at him. And those all might be right....but girls expect their hero's to be a little more hero-ish when there are large bugs to be dealt with! The girls get the go-ahead from Jeff, who is listening to all of this go on as he fades in and out of sleep, and a promise that the roach can neither fly nor that it will escape when sucked into the vacuum.

Oh, that tricky roach! It scuttled under the bigger suitcase. Emilie starts her new weapon. Michelle looks at her with a glint in her eye--they nod at one another. Michelle yanks, Emilie starts swinging the hose and the shrieking begins! The roach is fast, and speeds behind a little chest that holds all the extra bath soaps etc.

While jumping around "Michelle! It went behind the cabinet! I can't reach it!"

"Ok, ok, I'll pull it out, you suck up the bug. Can you please stop missing it???"

Of course there is clutter on top of the cabinet, so they quickly move the stuff and Michelle pulls out the cabinet and Emilie starts sucking at the roach. Now, you have to understand that the girls had been at this for 15 minutes now. They are both adrenaline filled and shaky, pretty sure that at any moment that bug is going to leap out and eat them. Emilie yanks on the hose so hard that it is ripped from the vacuum and she can't figure out why it won't suck up the stinking bug when she gets close to it! Michelle finally seems the problem and they stop for a minute to try to fix the vacuum. They are pretty sure they are missing a piece, either that or they are two nincompoop girls that have no idea how to fix a vacuum....we'll go with the first!

Michelle says "do you think if I hold the hose on, you can suck it up?"

"I think so, btw, sorry about the vacuum."

"It's fine, we'll worry about it later."

So Michelle turns the vacuum back on, holds the hose onto the vacuum, and Emilie begins the prowl around the cabinet. Suddenly, the roach flies off of the cabinet to the floor and it charges! Michelle realizes that the hose has no suction! There is even more screaming and even a little running....The roach disappears.

Now, those two girls are frantic. No one will be able to sleep (or shower for that matter!) unless that bug is caught. So armed with shoes, and some hangers to move things the girls start to look. They have given up on the stupid vacuum and have traded their cup in for a trash can. Surely a trash can is big enough to catch that wretched cockroach! Emilie and Michelle look everywhere they can think of, the whole time reminding each other that they can be brave and catch the bug. They move furniture, tip it over and check the undersides. No bug. They move anything that is movable and that is on the floor. No bug. They start to get a little panicky (who knew they could squeeze any more panic juice from their pituitary glands!) because they can't find the roach and they are starting to wonder if it crawled up the walls or something. Michelle shakes out the curtains, Emilie kicks the bookcase. Still no bug, and it has been 6 long minutes of hunting. They turn and look at one another.

"The only other place I can think of is in that pile of cloths that needs ironing."

"Oh, crap. Ok. I can be brave. Lets check it out."

"Ok, I can be brave too. Give me two hangers and I'll start looking."

Thus begins the new hunt: Emilie using her two hangers to pick up articles of cloths shaking them a little then handing them to Michelle who shakes them once more a little harder and then places them in a new pile. As they make their way down the pile, Michelle sees movement out of the corner of her eye. The feelers!

"Emilie! I see it!"

"Where?"

"It's in the cloths. Give me one of your hangers and I will knock it down, you catch it."

Some of you may be wondering why Michelle trusted Emilie to catch that stupid roach after missing so many times. All I can say is, she wasn't thinking very well. So Michelle swipes at the roach, praying it won't fly and get her, and Emilie lunges. This time she is successful! Michelle picks up her Costco sized shampoo and puts it on top of the garbage can. The girls cheer, but then Emilie gets a somber look in her eyes.

"Do you have any heavy books? I don't want that thing getting out."

Michelle walks over to the book shelf and grabs a physics book, along with several books on neuroanatomy and communication disorders...five books in all. They plop those puppies on top of the can, and just for good measure, the shampoo and a conditioner go on top.

Emilie looks at Michelle and says "I just sweat through everything I am wearing, I think I need to shower, but I am nervous to be in here with the roach."

Michelle says "Say no more, I will stand guard while you shower."

And so she did, and then Emilie did while Michelle showered. And then Michelle remembered that she had hung up on Jeff sometime ago because she was mad at him for not being more helpful, so she sent him a text to tell him that they had caught the bug, but under no circumstances were they killing it. Jeff sent one back saying that was fine, he'd do it sometime when he was home. The girls were worried because it seemed they might have to live with a trash can covered roach for months, but luckily, Jeff will be home Friday. Only 3 days of skirting around the roach.

Michelle and Emilie finally decided they could stop watching the trash can to make sure the roach didn't escape...but alas, they couldn't sleep. They ended up staying up until a little after 2 before they decided they were calmed down enough to fall asleep.

I'd like to dedicate this story to my dad, who thinks that *possibly* this was all overkill. We'd like to assure him that it wasn't, and that we would be happy to have him come and kill it. The company that is supposed to be keeping those wretched things out of my house is also going to get a friendly phone call that may include the words "get your sorry behind here, you will kill it, and extra bug spray" in it. I guess I have to say that I do owe that cockroach a little debt of gratitude. At least it decided to show itself when Emilie was here so that I didn't have to try to do all of that by myself...and, Emilie has to be a little grateful because she never would have had an adventure like that at home. But I assure you, it is only the tiniest scrap of gratitude. Now if you will excuse us, we have to go and make sure that the roach doesn't escape.....

Oh, and don't worry about the laundry, it will be disinfected of its roach juice.